Royal Bliss to Release Hip Hop Album

With the success of their newly-released country EP "The Truth," local stars Royal Bliss have decided to try out yet another genre - this time, they have set their sights on the illustrious world of hip hop. The group has high hopes for this foray into gold chains and booty sweat.

Just like their country western endeavor, this new sound is not a huge departure from their trademark sound. In fact, the upcoming hip hop album will feature the resurgence of Bliss' classic "Roll One," which is probably about having good clean fun bowling or something. In addition, the band will be remixing the fan favorite tune "I Was Drunk" with some super sick beats by DJ In-D-SidJun and produced by friend Flavor Flav.

Taylor Richards, the band's lead rhyme master and sex machine, was quoted saying "We will be spitting some of the illest, dopest shit this side of 2012." When asked if the terms "illest" and "dopest" even exist on this side of 2012, Richards had no comment.

In addition to Bliss making the journey over to hip hop, the band's sponsor intends to follow suit. The makers of Boneyard's Bloody Blend have announced a new line named "Boneyard's Crunk Juice," which reportedly mixes well with "Gin and juice, Cristal, and Courvoisier." The brand expressed their excitement to soon be poppin' bottles in da club with Bliss.

Unfortunately, the transition may unfold without the television coverage their country effort has enjoyed. BET has surprisingly passed up the offer to take on the future hip hop stars - their reasons remain unclear. Hopefully for the band, CMT will continue backing their music. After all, with the popularity of country music sensations like Luke Bryan, Taylor Swift, and Miley Cyrus, the future of the genre is already leaning in that direction.

In any case, the future is bright for Royal Bliss. After 18 years of hard work, the band continues to conquer any genre they choose. Also, this marks 18 years of Neal Middleton impregnating entire crowds with only his smooth, sultry vocal performances - which means the first graduating class of pure Bliss lineage. Cheers to that!

Progressive Jam Band Releases 1,200 Albums in 10 Minutes

Fasba Fpel, discarding the standard modus operandi of the album cycle, has taken upon themselves the task of breaking the world record for most albums released by one artist. Each album features a different local musician from an expansive variety of genres, from folk to rock, from country to metal. Fasba Fpel invites their weekly guest to join in a roughly 45-minute impromptu jam session, complete with face-painting, an array of dazzling lighting effects, and thick haze, which is recorded and turned into an album. Quickly approaching their 50^th release, the group decided to take it one step further: record and release twelve hundred albums in ten minutes.

If my math serves me correctly, that equates to two albums per second. So, how does Fasba Fpel intend to justify a split-second recording as an album? Isn’t there a length of time a recording must be to even consider it an album? After some research, I found Webster’s dictionary does not state a minimum time requirement. It only defines an album as a “business model that died in the 90’s.”

With technological developments, however, it is possible to stretch the amount of time considerably. The band intends to use the iPhone 6 slow-motion video capture, which will enable them to reap a full hour of video and audio from just one second of real time. The only issue: with Apple's strict proprietary standards, only iPhone users are allowed to enjoy it. So, tough luck for Android users, as well as Blackberry users (if such fossils still exist).

In the end, the band will be able to release six hundred hours of progressive jam music in only ten minutes. Not a bad haul, I'd say. 

In other news, Royal Bliss frontman Neal Middleton was forced to create an entirely new social media profile this week. Rumor has it that he unintentionally impregnated the internet after singing in front of a computer for several minutes, ultimately causing his social media profile to spontaneously combust.

Band Complains About Scene and is Immediately Signed to Major Label

We've all heard it before - musings like "the local scene sucks" and "all local bands sound alike." As it turns out, frequent use of disparaging phrases such as these may be beneficial to a musician's career.

A local punk band, known for it's frontman's constant verbal abuse of the local scene, has recently signed a record deal with a major label. Unlike many actually deserving local bands, this comes as no surprise to the punk group, whose singer stated, "We have been on the verge of getting signed for years. I know tons of big names in the industry; for instance, I won backstage passes to Blink-182 back in the day, so naturally Billie Joe Armstrong is now one of my best pals." When asked if he knew Billie Joe is in Green Day and not Blink-182, he had no comment.

He did, however, go on to say, "The local music scene sucks. There's no individuality, and frankly, no talent. Bands here only know how to play the same thing as everyone else." He then proceeded to perform a few of his band's songs, which only use the same three power chords.

It was a complaint such as this, posted on Facebook, that initially captured the label's attention. A representative from the label was browsing when he stumbled upon the band's post, and was immediately impressed by the sheer lack of respect. "If these guys are willing to slander their own scene," he stated, "then of course they are willing to screw over anyone. That's the kind of band we can work with. It is, after all, no secret that the music industry thrives on backstabbing and treachery."

So, it turns out, being a whiny little bitch can be good for your music career after all! Take note, local musicians...

In other news, there is nothing new to report in the Royal Bliss random pregnancy debacle. It appears that the band is taking a break from performing for a while.

10 of the Best Local Albums of 2014

As we move forward into 2015, it is important to look back at all of the highlights that made last year special. Events that changed us. Experiences that inspired us. Things that shaped the year for us all, like the series finale of How I Met Your Mother, Justin Bieber's DUI, the shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Sharknado 2, and Ebola.

2014 was definitely a spectacular year for local music. Amid astounding concerts like this radical 2,400-band lineup and local radio highlights like the time some guy named Daniel Murtaugh kept interrupting Corky on the Salt Lake Soundcheck, the local music scene blossomed during the year. In addition, dozens of incredible albums were released by local musicians. The top ten are:

10. SPÖRK - SPÖRK 2.0

Typically, I'm not a fan of bands with more than fourteen members. Somehow, however, SPÖRK manages to establish their own drums-and-guitar style with the number of members reaching a whopping nineteen. The band consists of ten guitarists, three drummers, and forty of the best blues-rock voices you could ask for. SPÖRK's sophomore release retains all the edgy, thumping sound of the first, and adds a whole new level of versatility as well, such as in the acoustic ballad "You Bring The Coors, Jesus Will Bring The Light," and the symphonic track "Hippie Grinder".

9. VanLadyLove - Love Matter

Rising from the hotbed of talent that exists in Provo (the birthplace of Imagine Dragons, The Used, Donny Osmond, and Beethoven), the band VanLadyLove powerfully communicates their thrash-death metal sound with the debut EP Love Matter. The disc hits peak volumes at all times with an assault of screechy guitars and guttural vocals. "Neverland" is essentially the most brutal track on the EP, and definitely it does not disappoint. 

8. Donny Osmond - Alone Together

Speaking of Donny Osmond, the superstar released a new album entitled Alone Together. Technically, it has been on shelves since 1973, but since not a single copy has been sold, MGM still considers it a new release. I would go into depth on the sound of the album, but I have not taken the opportunity to listen.

6. Jeff Goldblum - The Fly

Jeff Goldblum's highly-acclaimed performance in the 1986 remake of The Fly is nothing short of outstanding. Sure, Jurassic Park and Independence Day are incredible motion pictures, but there is nothing quite like the scene in which Goldblum seductively peels off his skin. Oh, and Geena Davis is in the movie too... so, there's that.

5. Cheese - Swiss

Arguably the best kind of cheese, Swiss cheese is riddled with holes known as "eyes" which exponentially enhance the flavor. Most types of Swiss cheese are actually manufactured on the moon (hence the name). Controversy surrounds the delectable dairy due to it's increased ability to hold air, causing explosive gas in many people.  

4. Flour - Enriched

Flour is a great source of starch, iron, and B vitamins. The term "enriched" implies that eating it straight out of the bag will lead you to win the lottery multiple times. In addition, the enrichment processing leads to... wait a minute, I'm getting this list mixed up with my grocery list. Let's get back on track.

3. AC/DC - Back In Black

Need I say more?

2. Huldra - Black Tides

All of the local publications are raving about this local band's 2014 release, and with good reason. Written through the eyes of a man lost at sea, Black Tides is a behemoth of intense, heartfelt post-metal at it's finest. The title track is a sprawling twelve-minute journey that captures the mellow ambience of a calm ocean that gradually changes into a violent and unstable storm of terror, grief, and loss.

1. Royal Bliss - Chasing The Sun

Depsite the rumors floating around that bassist Dwayne Crawford inadvertenly impregnates fans with his bass badassery and energetic stage antics, there is no denying that Royal Bliss' most recent release Chasing The Sun is a brilliantly-crafted collection of soulful tunes, catchy choruses, and a seductive track or two. No wonder pregnancy announcements spike after a Bliss show!

Well, that is the top ten list of local albums released in 2014. With an incredible local scene such as this, the new year is looking brighter than ever!

Local Promoter Develops Genius Booking Strategy

In a groundbreaking new initiative, an up-and-coming local concert promoter has created a bold new booking strategy. After years of bland, disappointing local shows, the promoter decided to shake things up a bit. The strategy? Booking as many bands as humanly possible on a single lineup.

The promoter has already implemented the tactic in a couple recent shows with astonishing results. Last month, he put together arguably the biggest local concert Utah has ever seen, with a total of 2,400 bands playing over the course of four hours."Each band," he told reporters, "got 1.5 seconds for setup and tear-down, with 4.5 whole seconds to play. Since each band was required to sell at least 500 tickets, we had well over a million in attendance. The Metro Bar was almost at capacity."

It definitely was the largest scale concert Utah has ever seen, but not everyone views it as a great thing. With tickets at a very inexpensive $5, it has all but put the competition out of business, and the other local promotion agencies are furious. Most continue to claim that 2,400 bands is way too many for one night, while others struggle to follow suit booking massive lineups.

On the other side, local bands love the idea and are happy to continue to play without getting paid a cent. Most report that they don't even like their own music, so playing for 4.5 seconds without pay is really no big deal to them. Good news for the local promoter, it seems, as estimates reveal the recent 2,400-band lineup grossed well over six million dollars. "Well, it was my birthday," he says, "so I deserve every penny." Sources reveal that the majority of the profits from the concert went directly into the promoter's pocket, except for $20 that went to a male stripper in the alley behind the bar.

In other news, allegations have been refuted in the Royal Bliss random pregnancy controversy. After DNA testing revealed that Neal Middleton is not the father of any children conceived during his onstage Royal Bliss performances, all charges and alimony demands have been dropped. However, it is rumored that the bands bassist, Dwayne Crawford, may in fact be the unknowing culprit. More on the story as it develops.

Local Band Professes Love For Suicidal Tendencies By Committing Suicide On Stage

Onlookers were shocked after a strange and tragic turn of events at a Suicidal Tendencies concert Tuesday night. After winning a contest on the local radio station to open the show, a local band decided to express their adoration for the renowned crossover thrash act through a morbid display of fatal self-mutilation. A few songs into their set, each member of the local group procured a ball-peen hammer, each with the word "poon" inscribed in pink lettering on the handle, and began violently smashing in their own faces. The majority of the crowd watched, stunned, as the band proceeded to bash their brains in with their "poonhammers"; however, the mosh pit raged on, as is customary for any Suicidal Tendencies show regardless of what may be happening onstage.

While this may not be the most "metal" sight ever witnessed at a ST show (e.g. a woman gave birth to a five-horned satyr during a May 1994 show), it was truly calamitous for the local band who had such a bright future. In fact, this unfortunate event occurred only a few days after the group performed at a well-attended "Boobies Bash" in Murray. Afterwards, the vocalist was quoted saying, "We saw a total of nineteen boobies that night. It was a hella tight show."

So why would a local band with such a promising future resort to onstage suicide? There is much speculation that the local radio station that provided the opportunity had persuaded them in this course of action. However, other sources report that it may genuinely have been an act of admiration toward Suicidal Tendencies. While it remains unclear what truly prompted the horrendous deed, one thing is certain: it will take a while for the local scene to recover from such a tragic loss.

The local band is survived by their brother band, who was unavailable for comment due to the planning of next year's "Boobies Bash."

In other news, some recent developments came to light in the story of women becoming pregnant at Royal Bliss concerts. Apparently, last month's Pre-Thanksgiving show was not the first instance of spontaneous pregnancy outbreaks during a Royal Bliss performance, as sources unveil reports dating back to Blissmas 2009. More on the story as it develops.

Fans Riot After American Hitmen Frontman Changes Relationship Status

Photo credit 2014 Mizar Photography

American Hitmen frontman Tim Cord recently announced via Facebook that he is in a relationship. The announcement came as a shock to many who are familiar with the band. The backlash was immediate, as jealous fans flooded the band’s website and social media pages with angry comments, desperate appeals, and even death threats aimed toward the singer’s newly-announced girlfriend. Sources say a Walmart and Family Dollar in Draper as well as the Lane Bryant in Southtowne Center were ransacked, following riots the likes of which rival those recently breaking out in Ferguson, Missouri.

Tim Cord later released a statement, apologizing that the announcement had “caused such controversy.” It is still unclear how the band will respond to the recent events. Reports project that future American Hitmen concerts could see historically low attendance, with disgruntled fans finding something else to do now that the frontman is off the market. However, with guitar player Daniel Cord still single, there is still hope for the band to salvage their live show attendance. One thing is clear: with the musicality, showmanship, and raw talent in the band, the American Hitmen will continue to lead the local rock scene.

In other news, strange occurrences took place at the Royal Bliss’ Annual Pre-Thanksgiving Show at the Depot last week. It is reported that when the band’s vocalist Neal Middleton sang the first four words in their hit song “Crazy,” the entire front row immediately became pregnant. More info to come as the story develops.