Fans Riot After American Hitmen Frontman Changes Relationship Status

Photo credit 2014 Mizar Photography

American Hitmen frontman Tim Cord recently announced via Facebook that he is in a relationship. The announcement came as a shock to many who are familiar with the band. The backlash was immediate, as jealous fans flooded the band’s website and social media pages with angry comments, desperate appeals, and even death threats aimed toward the singer’s newly-announced girlfriend. Sources say a Walmart and Family Dollar in Draper as well as the Lane Bryant in Southtowne Center were ransacked, following riots the likes of which rival those recently breaking out in Ferguson, Missouri.

Tim Cord later released a statement, apologizing that the announcement had “caused such controversy.” It is still unclear how the band will respond to the recent events. Reports project that future American Hitmen concerts could see historically low attendance, with disgruntled fans finding something else to do now that the frontman is off the market. However, with guitar player Daniel Cord still single, there is still hope for the band to salvage their live show attendance. One thing is clear: with the musicality, showmanship, and raw talent in the band, the American Hitmen will continue to lead the local rock scene.

In other news, strange occurrences took place at the Royal Bliss’ Annual Pre-Thanksgiving Show at the Depot last week. It is reported that when the band’s vocalist Neal Middleton sang the first four words in their hit song “Crazy,” the entire front row immediately became pregnant. More info to come as the story develops.