Local Band Professes Love For Suicidal Tendencies By Committing Suicide On Stage

Onlookers were shocked after a strange and tragic turn of events at a Suicidal Tendencies concert Tuesday night. After winning a contest on the local radio station to open the show, a local band decided to express their adoration for the renowned crossover thrash act through a morbid display of fatal self-mutilation. A few songs into their set, each member of the local group procured a ball-peen hammer, each with the word "poon" inscribed in pink lettering on the handle, and began violently smashing in their own faces. The majority of the crowd watched, stunned, as the band proceeded to bash their brains in with their "poonhammers"; however, the mosh pit raged on, as is customary for any Suicidal Tendencies show regardless of what may be happening onstage.

While this may not be the most "metal" sight ever witnessed at a ST show (e.g. a woman gave birth to a five-horned satyr during a May 1994 show), it was truly calamitous for the local band who had such a bright future. In fact, this unfortunate event occurred only a few days after the group performed at a well-attended "Boobies Bash" in Murray. Afterwards, the vocalist was quoted saying, "We saw a total of nineteen boobies that night. It was a hella tight show."

So why would a local band with such a promising future resort to onstage suicide? There is much speculation that the local radio station that provided the opportunity had persuaded them in this course of action. However, other sources report that it may genuinely have been an act of admiration toward Suicidal Tendencies. While it remains unclear what truly prompted the horrendous deed, one thing is certain: it will take a while for the local scene to recover from such a tragic loss.

The local band is survived by their brother band, who was unavailable for comment due to the planning of next year's "Boobies Bash."

In other news, some recent developments came to light in the story of women becoming pregnant at Royal Bliss concerts. Apparently, last month's Pre-Thanksgiving show was not the first instance of spontaneous pregnancy outbreaks during a Royal Bliss performance, as sources unveil reports dating back to Blissmas 2009. More on the story as it develops.