Progressive Jam Band Releases 1,200 Albums in 10 Minutes

Fasba Fpel, discarding the standard modus operandi of the album cycle, has taken upon themselves the task of breaking the world record for most albums released by one artist. Each album features a different local musician from an expansive variety of genres, from folk to rock, from country to metal. Fasba Fpel invites their weekly guest to join in a roughly 45-minute impromptu jam session, complete with face-painting, an array of dazzling lighting effects, and thick haze, which is recorded and turned into an album. Quickly approaching their 50^th release, the group decided to take it one step further: record and release twelve hundred albums in ten minutes.

If my math serves me correctly, that equates to two albums per second. So, how does Fasba Fpel intend to justify a split-second recording as an album? Isn’t there a length of time a recording must be to even consider it an album? After some research, I found Webster’s dictionary does not state a minimum time requirement. It only defines an album as a “business model that died in the 90’s.”

With technological developments, however, it is possible to stretch the amount of time considerably. The band intends to use the iPhone 6 slow-motion video capture, which will enable them to reap a full hour of video and audio from just one second of real time. The only issue: with Apple's strict proprietary standards, only iPhone users are allowed to enjoy it. So, tough luck for Android users, as well as Blackberry users (if such fossils still exist).

In the end, the band will be able to release six hundred hours of progressive jam music in only ten minutes. Not a bad haul, I'd say. 

In other news, Royal Bliss frontman Neal Middleton was forced to create an entirely new social media profile this week. Rumor has it that he unintentionally impregnated the internet after singing in front of a computer for several minutes, ultimately causing his social media profile to spontaneously combust.

Band Complains About Scene and is Immediately Signed to Major Label

We've all heard it before - musings like "the local scene sucks" and "all local bands sound alike." As it turns out, frequent use of disparaging phrases such as these may be beneficial to a musician's career.

A local punk band, known for it's frontman's constant verbal abuse of the local scene, has recently signed a record deal with a major label. Unlike many actually deserving local bands, this comes as no surprise to the punk group, whose singer stated, "We have been on the verge of getting signed for years. I know tons of big names in the industry; for instance, I won backstage passes to Blink-182 back in the day, so naturally Billie Joe Armstrong is now one of my best pals." When asked if he knew Billie Joe is in Green Day and not Blink-182, he had no comment.

He did, however, go on to say, "The local music scene sucks. There's no individuality, and frankly, no talent. Bands here only know how to play the same thing as everyone else." He then proceeded to perform a few of his band's songs, which only use the same three power chords.

It was a complaint such as this, posted on Facebook, that initially captured the label's attention. A representative from the label was browsing when he stumbled upon the band's post, and was immediately impressed by the sheer lack of respect. "If these guys are willing to slander their own scene," he stated, "then of course they are willing to screw over anyone. That's the kind of band we can work with. It is, after all, no secret that the music industry thrives on backstabbing and treachery."

So, it turns out, being a whiny little bitch can be good for your music career after all! Take note, local musicians...

In other news, there is nothing new to report in the Royal Bliss random pregnancy debacle. It appears that the band is taking a break from performing for a while.

10 of the Best Local Albums of 2014

As we move forward into 2015, it is important to look back at all of the highlights that made last year special. Events that changed us. Experiences that inspired us. Things that shaped the year for us all, like the series finale of How I Met Your Mother, Justin Bieber's DUI, the shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Sharknado 2, and Ebola.

2014 was definitely a spectacular year for local music. Amid astounding concerts like this radical 2,400-band lineup and local radio highlights like the time some guy named Daniel Murtaugh kept interrupting Corky on the Salt Lake Soundcheck, the local music scene blossomed during the year. In addition, dozens of incredible albums were released by local musicians. The top ten are:

10. SPÖRK - SPÖRK 2.0

Typically, I'm not a fan of bands with more than fourteen members. Somehow, however, SPÖRK manages to establish their own drums-and-guitar style with the number of members reaching a whopping nineteen. The band consists of ten guitarists, three drummers, and forty of the best blues-rock voices you could ask for. SPÖRK's sophomore release retains all the edgy, thumping sound of the first, and adds a whole new level of versatility as well, such as in the acoustic ballad "You Bring The Coors, Jesus Will Bring The Light," and the symphonic track "Hippie Grinder".

9. VanLadyLove - Love Matter

Rising from the hotbed of talent that exists in Provo (the birthplace of Imagine Dragons, The Used, Donny Osmond, and Beethoven), the band VanLadyLove powerfully communicates their thrash-death metal sound with the debut EP Love Matter. The disc hits peak volumes at all times with an assault of screechy guitars and guttural vocals. "Neverland" is essentially the most brutal track on the EP, and definitely it does not disappoint. 

8. Donny Osmond - Alone Together

Speaking of Donny Osmond, the superstar released a new album entitled Alone Together. Technically, it has been on shelves since 1973, but since not a single copy has been sold, MGM still considers it a new release. I would go into depth on the sound of the album, but I have not taken the opportunity to listen.

6. Jeff Goldblum - The Fly

Jeff Goldblum's highly-acclaimed performance in the 1986 remake of The Fly is nothing short of outstanding. Sure, Jurassic Park and Independence Day are incredible motion pictures, but there is nothing quite like the scene in which Goldblum seductively peels off his skin. Oh, and Geena Davis is in the movie too... so, there's that.

5. Cheese - Swiss

Arguably the best kind of cheese, Swiss cheese is riddled with holes known as "eyes" which exponentially enhance the flavor. Most types of Swiss cheese are actually manufactured on the moon (hence the name). Controversy surrounds the delectable dairy due to it's increased ability to hold air, causing explosive gas in many people.  

4. Flour - Enriched

Flour is a great source of starch, iron, and B vitamins. The term "enriched" implies that eating it straight out of the bag will lead you to win the lottery multiple times. In addition, the enrichment processing leads to... wait a minute, I'm getting this list mixed up with my grocery list. Let's get back on track.

3. AC/DC - Back In Black

Need I say more?

2. Huldra - Black Tides

All of the local publications are raving about this local band's 2014 release, and with good reason. Written through the eyes of a man lost at sea, Black Tides is a behemoth of intense, heartfelt post-metal at it's finest. The title track is a sprawling twelve-minute journey that captures the mellow ambience of a calm ocean that gradually changes into a violent and unstable storm of terror, grief, and loss.

1. Royal Bliss - Chasing The Sun

Depsite the rumors floating around that bassist Dwayne Crawford inadvertenly impregnates fans with his bass badassery and energetic stage antics, there is no denying that Royal Bliss' most recent release Chasing The Sun is a brilliantly-crafted collection of soulful tunes, catchy choruses, and a seductive track or two. No wonder pregnancy announcements spike after a Bliss show!

Well, that is the top ten list of local albums released in 2014. With an incredible local scene such as this, the new year is looking brighter than ever!