Local Promoter Develops Genius Booking Strategy

In a groundbreaking new initiative, an up-and-coming local concert promoter has created a bold new booking strategy. After years of bland, disappointing local shows, the promoter decided to shake things up a bit. The strategy? Booking as many bands as humanly possible on a single lineup.

The promoter has already implemented the tactic in a couple recent shows with astonishing results. Last month, he put together arguably the biggest local concert Utah has ever seen, with a total of 2,400 bands playing over the course of four hours."Each band," he told reporters, "got 1.5 seconds for setup and tear-down, with 4.5 whole seconds to play. Since each band was required to sell at least 500 tickets, we had well over a million in attendance. The Metro Bar was almost at capacity."

It definitely was the largest scale concert Utah has ever seen, but not everyone views it as a great thing. With tickets at a very inexpensive $5, it has all but put the competition out of business, and the other local promotion agencies are furious. Most continue to claim that 2,400 bands is way too many for one night, while others struggle to follow suit booking massive lineups.

On the other side, local bands love the idea and are happy to continue to play without getting paid a cent. Most report that they don't even like their own music, so playing for 4.5 seconds without pay is really no big deal to them. Good news for the local promoter, it seems, as estimates reveal the recent 2,400-band lineup grossed well over six million dollars. "Well, it was my birthday," he says, "so I deserve every penny." Sources reveal that the majority of the profits from the concert went directly into the promoter's pocket, except for $20 that went to a male stripper in the alley behind the bar.

In other news, allegations have been refuted in the Royal Bliss random pregnancy controversy. After DNA testing revealed that Neal Middleton is not the father of any children conceived during his onstage Royal Bliss performances, all charges and alimony demands have been dropped. However, it is rumored that the bands bassist, Dwayne Crawford, may in fact be the unknowing culprit. More on the story as it develops.

Local Band Professes Love For Suicidal Tendencies By Committing Suicide On Stage

Onlookers were shocked after a strange and tragic turn of events at a Suicidal Tendencies concert Tuesday night. After winning a contest on the local radio station to open the show, a local band decided to express their adoration for the renowned crossover thrash act through a morbid display of fatal self-mutilation. A few songs into their set, each member of the local group procured a ball-peen hammer, each with the word "poon" inscribed in pink lettering on the handle, and began violently smashing in their own faces. The majority of the crowd watched, stunned, as the band proceeded to bash their brains in with their "poonhammers"; however, the mosh pit raged on, as is customary for any Suicidal Tendencies show regardless of what may be happening onstage.

While this may not be the most "metal" sight ever witnessed at a ST show (e.g. a woman gave birth to a five-horned satyr during a May 1994 show), it was truly calamitous for the local band who had such a bright future. In fact, this unfortunate event occurred only a few days after the group performed at a well-attended "Boobies Bash" in Murray. Afterwards, the vocalist was quoted saying, "We saw a total of nineteen boobies that night. It was a hella tight show."

So why would a local band with such a promising future resort to onstage suicide? There is much speculation that the local radio station that provided the opportunity had persuaded them in this course of action. However, other sources report that it may genuinely have been an act of admiration toward Suicidal Tendencies. While it remains unclear what truly prompted the horrendous deed, one thing is certain: it will take a while for the local scene to recover from such a tragic loss.

The local band is survived by their brother band, who was unavailable for comment due to the planning of next year's "Boobies Bash."

In other news, some recent developments came to light in the story of women becoming pregnant at Royal Bliss concerts. Apparently, last month's Pre-Thanksgiving show was not the first instance of spontaneous pregnancy outbreaks during a Royal Bliss performance, as sources unveil reports dating back to Blissmas 2009. More on the story as it develops.

Fans Riot After American Hitmen Frontman Changes Relationship Status

Photo credit 2014 Mizar Photography

American Hitmen frontman Tim Cord recently announced via Facebook that he is in a relationship. The announcement came as a shock to many who are familiar with the band. The backlash was immediate, as jealous fans flooded the band’s website and social media pages with angry comments, desperate appeals, and even death threats aimed toward the singer’s newly-announced girlfriend. Sources say a Walmart and Family Dollar in Draper as well as the Lane Bryant in Southtowne Center were ransacked, following riots the likes of which rival those recently breaking out in Ferguson, Missouri.

Tim Cord later released a statement, apologizing that the announcement had “caused such controversy.” It is still unclear how the band will respond to the recent events. Reports project that future American Hitmen concerts could see historically low attendance, with disgruntled fans finding something else to do now that the frontman is off the market. However, with guitar player Daniel Cord still single, there is still hope for the band to salvage their live show attendance. One thing is clear: with the musicality, showmanship, and raw talent in the band, the American Hitmen will continue to lead the local rock scene.

In other news, strange occurrences took place at the Royal Bliss’ Annual Pre-Thanksgiving Show at the Depot last week. It is reported that when the band’s vocalist Neal Middleton sang the first four words in their hit song “Crazy,” the entire front row immediately became pregnant. More info to come as the story develops.